Simply
by grape-2010
Summary: JL fic Lily is a ball of uncertainty. Who can show her the way?


Lily arrived at Remus' flat. She needed someone, someone to listen to her. Someone she could confide in and trust. Sirius wouldn't do; he was too close to James. Peter was always vulnerable, and would tell anyone to threatened him correctly. Remus was an old friend, had been a fellow prefect, and gave the best advice.

It had been about four months since she had left James, but she'd found out she would never be without him, even if he was thousands of miles away.

"Remus?" she called out, taking off her cloak and hanging it over the back of a chair at the kitchen table. "You home?"

He came bustling out of the parlor, brows furrowed in wonder. When he registered who had come knocking, uncertainty flashed briefly over his face, then was covered with a smile of pleasure so easily it was as if it simply hadn't been.

"'Lo, Lily. Been a while. How have you been?"

She returned his grin, though he noticed it didn't reach her eyes. "I'm all right," she answered. She could have sworn she heard a muffled thump followed by a soft curse. Remus' smile seemed to tighten for a moment, but quickly returned to normal. "I just came to pick up the books I had loaned to you. And… I reckon we could, you know, chat a bit." She tried to sound casual, but her eyes couldn't meet his speculative ones. "So." She cleared her throat. "Did you read them? The books?"

Remus watched her for another moment, and then gestured for her to follow him into the parlor. "Yes, the first two were quite entertaining, but the third with the mummy just couldn't catch my fancy."

They sat on the dark navy sofa. The walls of the parlor were sponged light blue. Lily could remember the day the five of them—Remus, Sirius, James, Peter, and she—had gotten together to give Remus a hand decorating his new flat. The white carpet was a bit stiff, but Lily could tell Remus had vacuumed recently. A warm fire was flickering cheerfully in the grate. Pictures of Remus' friends and family lined the fireplace mantle.

Sirius lounging with a lazy smile on his handsome face in the Gryffindor common room, Mrs. Lupin, Remus' mum, baking in her kitchen, Mr. Lupin laid back in an armchair reading. James waved as he zipped around on his broomstick in his Quidditch robes on the pitch at Hogwarts, Peter on the last train ride home on the Hogwarts Express, eating wizard sweets. Lily reading in the Hogwarts library, peeking up at the cameraman from under her lashes every once in a while.

And at the end of the row, hidden in shadows, was a frame set in the Gryffindor common room. At one end of the sofa in the picture was Lily, sitting with her arms folded, not in defiance, but in defense.

On the other end of the sofa was James. There was grief in his eyes, and he gazed at Lily's back imploringly with a heartbroken expression.

Presently, Lily looked away from the picture.

"Lily?"

Starting, she snapped her eyes back to Remus and found his arm stretched out, her books in his hand. Clearing her throat, she took them from him. "Thanks. Glad you enjoyed them."

Remus took a good look at her. She was paler than normal; dark circles haunted her green eyes. Her vivid auburn hair was limp, her face gaunt. He could safely assume she hadn't been eating well.

He reached out hand took her hand. Fastening his eyes to hers, he asked with great concern, "Lily, are you all right?"

Her bottom lip trembled a bit, and she took a deep breath. "Fine, just a little tired. No big deal."

Remus let out a mirthless huff of laughter. "You've never been any good at lying, Lily, it's not your way. Besides, I've used the 'I'm just tired' fib so many times that by now I know the instant someone says that they're lying." He gentled his voice. "You look ill, what's wrong?"

"I'm just not feeling myself."

Fine, Remus thought. I'm sorry, Lily, but I have to do this. "He's not doing so well, either."

Immediately Lily pulled her hand out of his and turned her head away. He continued, "What happened, Lily? You two had been so happy. What changed?" Since she still wasn't looking at him, Remus glanced at the corner of the room.

After several long moments of inner conflict, Lily sighed. This is why I'd come, she told herself. Because he'd listen.

"I… I got frightened. All of a sudden I was hit with the fact that I was engaged to the man I had completely hated for years before. For the first time, I didn't feel comfortable with it. I don't know how to explain it, Remus. Suddenly it all just felt wrong."

She grinned wryly. "It's not always easy to outrun your past."

For reasons only God knew, Remus was looked down. And wondered how in the world he could have missed the obvious expansion of her stomach. His eyes widened.

"Lily… Ar-are you…?"

Lily closed her eyes and nodded as she choked on a sob.

"Oh, God, Remus, I don't know what to do. I don't have my parents, Sirius hates me for what I did to James, Peter…" She sniffled. "Is Peter. James won't want to even look at me after what I did to him. There's you, but this flat isn't suited for two adults and a baby. What am I going to do, a nineteen-year-old mother?"

She buried her face in her hands as terrified tears cascaded down her cheeks.

Remus pulled her into his arms. He mouthed, "you're turn" at the corner.

Lily felt Remus get up and walk away. Still not taking her hands from her face, she mumbled disappointedly, "That's right, leave me. Just like everyone else."

"If my memory serves me right, _you're _the one who left _me_."

She sprang from the sofa so fast one would have thought it had burned her behind. With her hand covering her mouth, she fought back the gray that swam into her vision. She spun around again, and just stood there, eyes slammed shut and breathing heavily.

She had avoided him at all cost these last months. Now here he was, right behind her.

A warm hand touched her arm and gently turned her around. Lily kept her eyes shut, fearing what kind of hurt she would find in the depths of hazel. He tilted her head up so that if she had her open, she'd be forced to make eye contact.

She though fleetingly about tearing her head out of his grip and running from the flat. He'd catch her, she thought. Or if he didn't, Remus would. This confrontation has been put off far too long.

"Please look at me, Lily," he requested quietly. Tentatively she revealed sad pools of green. As she blinked, fat tears fell.

James wanted to gather her up and rock her until all of her sorrow went away. But knowing he couldn't, he only framed her face and wiped the tears away with his thumbs.

"You broke my heart, Lily," he began, his voice barely above a whisper. "You promised yourself to me, willingly, and that's all I've ever wanted. When I found your note, I could have died from the hurt. What did I do wrong? Why'd you just give up?"

Lily opened and closed her mouth silently for a few seconds. "I… I got cold feet."

He looked at her sternly. "That is the worst explanation I have ever heard." After a pause, he asked abruptly, "Do you love me?"

Lily pursed her lips tightly together as if to keep the words locked in her mouth.

James wanted to shake her, to make her see sense, to force her to tell him everything she felt. But he remembered that it would only scare her more, and she was carrying a baby. _His _baby.

"Do you love me?" he asked again. He _had _to know.

Looking harassed, Lily shook her head so his hands would leave her face. Staring at her shoes, she choked, "I… I do…"

Skillfully hiding the wonderful relief, he delicately questioned, "Then why did you leave me? Why did you run away?"

Looking up, Lily saw exactly what she hadn't wanted to see. His eyes were full to the brim with heartbreak and pain. Worry and anger were there as well, just not as prominent. She'd taken a knife and stabbed his heart, had twisted and twisted until he'd very nearly broken. She closed her own eyes so she wouldn't have to see it.

"_Because_ I love you," she told him. She sensed his bafflement, so before he could say anything, she opened her eyes and elaborated. "What if one day you didn't come home, and I find out you'd run off with some skank you were having an affair with? What if you stopped loving me? What if you died and I was left all alone? I wouldn't be able to live through that." Her eyes filled again and ran over. "I thought if I left, if I left first, I wouldn't happen." She shook her head. "But now I'm going to have a baby, and no one will be there. You surly don't want me back, and I wouldn't deserve it anyhow."

With that she moved quickly away from him, into the kitchen where she'd hung her cloak. Vaguely she wondered where Remus had gone. As she was grabbing it off the back of the chair, James caught her arm and whipped her around. Lily could see the fury she'd stoked in his eyes. He clamped his hands on her arms.

"I would never, _never_ do such things," he spat at her. "I'm _insulted_ you thought I would. I love you, and I won't stop. If I ever do, God forbid, and I start seeing other women, I'd properly file for divorce with you before I would get tangled with her. But that won't happen."

His grip on her arms tightened, and Lily started to struggle. "Please let me go, James," she whispered, though she knew he was deaf to her pleas.

"I can't predict my death, Lily, nobody can. But if I died tomorrow, you'd have memories, good ones and bad. You could even put them in a pensieve, watch them play out for hours on end. You would go on, Lily; because you would know that I love you, living or dead."

"_Please_ let me go, James."

She saw his eyes clear as he came to himself. He took a deep breath, stepped closer, and released her arms only to wrap his around her. Although she fought feebly, her heart wasn't in it, so she put her head on his chest and wept.

"No," he said after a moment. He laid his chin on her head. "I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I won't let you go. I want you with me."

"But—"

"No, Lily. No buts. No what ifs. Here and now. Will you be with me?"

She drew back to stare at him. "Define 'be with'."

"I want to resume our engagement, only I want the wedding sooner. Next weekend. We'll run off and elope." He put his hand between them and laid it on her slightly swollen belly. "I want him or her to be born with my name. I want to hold him—or her—rock him—or her—to sleep. I want you, Lily, in all ways possible."

When she was silent for what seemed like eternity, just gazing at him, James started to get urgent. He took her hands in his own. "I love you, Lily, and you love me. We're going to have a baby. Please say something."

Finally Lily took a step away from him and planted her fists on her widened hips. "Fine, but I will not name our baby after Sirius."

James stood speechless. "Okay. But he has to be the godfather."

"That man—"

"He loves children!"

"—Is not responsible—"

"Oh, be fair, Lily."

"—And would either drop the baby or—"

"He was a Chaser!"

"—Lose it."

"If I can trust him with my life, Lily, I can certainly trust him with my child's."

"He's a child himself."

"Everyone has an inner child."

"But not everyone shows it constantly."

For a minute the two were silent. "Well, looks like we're back to our old bickering ways," James said with a grin.

Lily returned it. "Apparently."

"You never gave me an answer."

"To what?"

"Will you be with me?"

Lily pursed her lips. "It's a difficult question."

"Just give me a simple yes or no."

"There's nothing simple about this."

James sighed and stepped close to her. "Lily."

She rolled her eyes playfully, but then her expression became haunted. Biting her lip, she asked, "You won't leave me?"

"Not if you don't leave me. Again."

She wrapped her arms around his waist tightly. "Then how about a simple yes?"


End file.
